The Vapourware Cloak
by BajaB
Summary: A twist on the old "Emporer's New Cloak" fairy tale I found when clearing out my drive. Posted because I have nothing else to do with it and have not posted anything in so long people have probably forgotten I exist.


_One of several original stories, some of which even got published. I have decided to share them while I wait for my Muse to return from it's furlong. Sorry these are not HP (or even Fanfiction)_

Once upon a time, there was a large Software Company, run by a very vain Chief Executive Officer.

His only worry in life, besides presiding over lots of very important meetings with very important executives, was to have the best programs in the world.

The vain Chief Executive Officer's company paid thousands of programmers to copy the best ideas dreamt up by anyone else. Sometimes, the Software Company bought out their rivals and then used their ideas as if they were their own. This made the Software Company, and the Chief Executive Officer, quite wealthy.

News of the Chief Executive Officer's success filled the internet and even spread to mainstream media, where two scoundrel programmers came up with a cunning plan. They wrote a clever email to a friend of a friend who worked in the accounting department of a subsidiary firm in another country, and sent it marked 'confidential'.

"We have the best program in the world," they said. "It's so complicated nobody can understand it. As a matter of fact, most people are too silly or incompetent to appreciate its quality."

The young accountant thought this was wonderful, and told all of her work-friends in a private email. They too thought this was a great thing, and immediately told their workmates and bosses. Soon the whole company was buzzing with secret news of this great program and the clever programmers who had written a program so fantastic that nobody else could understand it, let alone copy it.

When the Chief Executive Officer heard all of the excited whispering, he was curious.

"What are you all buzzing about?" he demanded of the Senior Business Manager.

"It's this new program," said the Senior Business Manager. "Everybody is talking about it it's the best program in the world!"

"Then I want to see it!" shouted the Chief Executive Officer. "Get it for me."

Immediately, hundreds of people were pulled from their normal work to find the authors of this, the best program in the world. When they were located, their fledgling company's stock was snapped up without a second thought, at a highly inflated price.

The Chief Executive Officer sent a memorandum asking the Scoundrels to do a presentation of their exciting new program.

"It's far too complex to demonstrate," the Scoundrels replied to the Chief Executive Officer. "And none of your existing team is likely to appreciate it anyway, well, not until it is completely finished that is."

"Tell me what you need to finish it, then," said the Chief Executive Officer. "We'll fund it all."

So, the Scoundrels made lots of lists of things they wanted, and gave them fancy and important sounding names. They bought cars and boats, ate lavish food from the finest restaurants, and dressed in expensive designer T-shirts.

Months passed, and the Scoundrels diligently submitted progress reports, quarterly statements, and new target allocation deadlines, but none of it made any sense to the Chief Executive Officer. Not wanting to admit his ignorance, the Chief Executive Officer called in his Senior Business Manager; a man most people considered perceptive and wise.

"Go and see how they are going," he told the Senior Business Manager. "I want a concise report when you get back."

Now the Senior Business Manager was a very important man, and didn't think it was right for somebody of his importance to look in on some lowly programmers, so he called for the Business Development Manager.

"Go see if there are any problems," the Senior Business Manager told the Business Development Manager. "Give me a full report when you get back."

Of course, the Business Development Manager was far too busy and important for such a task, as were all of his so-very-important staff, so he requisitioned a lowly, underpaid and unappreciated Personal Assistant from a different department, whose boss was on holiday (so she must have nothing to do), and sent her to conduct the review.

The Scoundrels welcomed the lowly, underpaid and unappreciated Personal Assistant as if she was the Queen of the World.

They treated her to lunch and dinner, wined and dined her, gave her imported chocolates and expensive designer t-shirts, and showed her dozens of graphs with important sounding titles and impressive looking statistics, all the time explaining how difficult it was for anybody except the smartest and most perceptive to understand what the program did.

Not wanting to embarrass herself by admitting she didn't understand, and enjoying the hospitality of the Scoundrels (which was of course paid for by the Software Company), the lowly, underpaid and unappreciated Personal Assistant nodded her head wisely and asked no questions, lest she appear foolish or lose her t-shirts.

Then the lowly, underpaid and unappreciated Personal Assistant returned to the Business Development Manager with many folders full of pretty writing and extra boxes filled with imported chocolates and expensive designer t-shirts.

"Everything looks great," she said, handing over the heavy folder and a few of the boxes. "It's really impressive."

Not wanting to read all of the documents, and eager to try on an expensive designer t-shirt, the Business Development Manager called the Senior Business Manager.

"It's all coming along well," he told the Senior Business Manager. "Here is the report showing everything."

Confident he didn't need to read the thick folder himself, the Senior Business Manager took it straight to the Chief Executive Officer.

"It's all on track and coming along nicely," said the Senior Business Manager.

"Excellent," said the Chief Executive Officer. "Let's have a launch party."

So, the Marketing people were tasked with creating a huge launch party, and a road show, and a follow up marketing campaign. Being good marketing people, they never stopped to ask what the Program actually did; they just hyped it up and toured the world with the Chief Executive Officer leading the charge.

All over the land, people spoke about the great new Program. Authors and critics alike wrote volumes about it, and crowds gathered in queues outside of shops, waiting to buy it.

Many other companies saw this, and immediately jumped onto the bandwagon, creating road shows and marketing campaigns for their own expected version of the Program.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

 **The End**


End file.
